The Lazy Pixel

The world closes in
there’s only you and there’s him
everyone is screaming
but there’s nothing left to say
and the words won’t mean a thing
when the hips begin to swing
see the punches coming in
with sweat stung swollen eyes
hiding fears that can’t disguise
that it’s not just toe-to-toe
there’s more to the fight than trading blows
those who fight all have a reason
some call or inner demon
or fear of being beaten
and as the sweat evaporates
every punch exacerbates
all those pains you love and hate
remembering the gym
filled with ibuprofen, endorphins
it’s not another morning
it’s not your nine to five
when you fight you feel alive
every punch will set you free
and if one of you will bleed
make sure it won’t be you
on the canvas when it’s through
there’s no time to stop, to think
as the bell begins to ring
the world it closes in.

Well, I have had this poem critiqued by a professional poet. I’ve summarised the analysis from the poet and others below. For those of you who haven’t read the poem before here it is:

F.L.

Don’t know life, but a fight that’s long,
when things get tough the soft get strong,
never asked for it to be fair,
always hoped that you’d be there.

Things will change, but it all stays hard,
life leaves you lost, torn and scarred.
Trust in few, on none depend,
never forget some call you friend.

Stand up tall, turn, face your fear,
scream out loud when the time is near,
there are things we can’t comprehend
we can’t choose how some things

end.

Critical analysis

This poem is a simple observation of life. However, it lacks the imagery needed to fully engage the reader.

The first issue with this poem is that of rhyme. To use rhyme correctly it is necessary to consider the rhythm of the poem. The rhythm is one of the most important aspects of many styles of poem, and often far more important than rhyme.

Rhyme should not be a hit-and-miss affair. It should blend into the poem in such a way that it is hardly noticed, except in that it assists the reader in placing emphasis and in the development of rhythm of the poem.

The choice of words with rhyme is critically important. Rhyming single syllables of a word gives a poem a simplistic feel, and given the limited choice of words the poem becomes predictable as you can usually tell what is coming next; the poem lacks any surprises. Simplistic rhyme also leads a poet to invert the syntax in order to make the rhyme fit.

The number of beats to a line determines the rhythm of the line; these beats are the stressed syllables that occur in English.

Looking at this line from the poem:

Things will change, but it all stays hard,

In this case, the stressed syllables are underlined. Two unstressed syllables followed by a stressed syllable are called an anapaest. The structure of an unstressed followed by a stressed syllable is called an iamb. In this line there are two anapaests followed by an iamb

Now consider this line, which uses the same rhythm except it changes the final iamb to another anapaest.

Things will change, but it all stays the same

This line, in content, does not fit your poem, but when read aloud, the extra beat on the line adds regularity and helps the reader read the line.

The issues with the content of the poem can be seen in the first stanza of the poem.

Don’t know life, but a fight that’s long,

The opening line causes problems from the outset. The first phase “Don’t know life,”  can be confusing, does it mean “I don’t know life” or “you don’t know life” or something else? The centre of the line is a comma, which causes a caesura to form at that point. A caesura occurs when there is a pause caused through the word selection or some type of punctuation in mid line, it creates a moment of silence. The second part of the line is a separate phrase “but a fight that’s long”. This line gives a sense of  “I do not know what life is but it is a long fight” or the phrase “life is a struggle”. The problem with these statements is that this has been said many times and in many different ways and is just recasting something familiar.

when things get tough the soft get strong,

This line is a clichéd idea. This might represent your opinion, but it is still a cliché. In addition, it has such echoes of the song “when the going gets tough the tough get going” and it is hard to get round that.

never asked for it to be fair,
always hoped that you’d be there.

Now these two lines represent the central problem with rhyme, the feeling here is that the “never asked for it to be fair,” line is a bit awkward and is there only to rhyme with the “there” on the final line, both lines really saying nothing.

In the first four lines there is nothing to engage the reader, no images, just statement.  This is a profound weakness of the poem.  This is an inward looking a poem about an idea and a personal understanding, but it has nothing unique to engage the reader, no images or startling revelation, and this is the same throughout the poem. The poem is abstract and although it may be a poem in which feelings and circumstances are expressed, it is not one that would engage a reader who did not share an understanding of those experiences.

My Conclusion:

The notes on the rhythm of the poem are interesting, as when I read it aloud to myself the poem flows well. Perhaps there is a translation issue there from how I would speak the poem to how it has been formatted and punctuated on the page.

Issues on clarity I subscribe to previous experience putting together lyrics rather than poetry. I think that words in songs allow you to get away with more over the course of a song than is possible in a poem. In most songs there are many throwaway lines, which provided they don’t interfere with a song, or they produce the desired emotional response they do not detract from the song. There are issues regarding imagery in many of my poems, I recognise that as something to work on.

Is F.L. a technically great poem? No, of course not. It’s a commentary about a person and event, it is something that I hope means something to that person. I think the fact that I even cared enough to write it meant something to that person. In that respect the poem has done what it was primarily intended to do. Of course there’s the intentional fallacy that “the design or intention of the author is neither available nor desirable as a standard for judging the success of a work of literary art”. Perhaps that is true. In the end I don’t write for the judgement of those who are literary successes, I write for many reasons and so I, as the author, judge the success of my writing partly based on whether it fulfils the intention of writing it.